Cookiebitch

CRAZIES IN THE NEWS

My readers love to send me reports of crazies in the news, and I love to receive them. Some were so good, I thought I'd share them with you. I may even make a regular event out of this, since there seems to be no end to the loonies making headlines.

I gotta admit that stories like these make me miss journalism just a little bit - because it would be hilarious to interview the dumbasses behind them. Not to mention, I think most reporters create more questions than they answer. And these news items BEG for answers!

The first one I received was from Joe, and had the headline: "Men charged after skull dug up; used as bong." Two men in Houston apparently came across an abandoned cemetery in the woods, dug up a grave, took a skull from a body, and smoked weed out of it. They are now facing misdemeanor charges of corpse abuse.

Wow. Does anyone other than me think that is just really, really ... COOOOOOOOOLLLLLLLL!!!!!?

I mean, I've seen some pretty cool bongs in my day, but a HUMAN SKULL!? AWESOME! I only wish I knew how they did it. Do they put their fingers in the nose holes and use that as a carburetor? Where does the pot go? Do you have to fill it with water?

How did they figure out HOW to use a skull as a bong? And did they go into the woods SPECIFICALLY because they wanted to find a skull to smoke dope out of? Did they not have an old Pepsi can lying around?

And whose skull did they decide to use? Was there one in particular that they felt was better than the others, or did they just choose someone randomly? Maybe it was a friend of theirs, and they missed him and wanted to have a reunion - the only way they knew how. If that's the case, it's all rather touching, don't you think?

I also never knew that corpse abuse was a crime. I guess I can understand it - but I wonder how prosecutors decide something is corpse abuse or not corpse abuse. I mean - the corpse can't tell you if they find it abusive or not, which is what I think should be the deciding factor. Maybe this corpse, for example, appreciated the poetic nature of having his skull used as a bong. I know if it was my skull, I wouldn't mind. However, if someone dug up my body and put Crocs on my skeleton feet, I would find that very abusive. So how does the prosecutor know when to charge someone or not?

I don't smoke pot ... mostly because it just makes me go to sleep, and why waste a good buzz like that? But if I did, I'd be finding the nearest grave to desecrate, let me tell you. Because I want to be as cool as these guys. Also, from now on, when I check the box on my drivers license form that says "organ donor" it will have a whole new meaning. Because I have no problem leaving my skull for someone else to use as a bong. What do I care, anyway? I'm dead. But at least this way, I'm still useful - not to mention, the life of the party!

The second news item I received this week was from Star. The headline reads: "Family found living with decaying body on toilet." Even if you didn't read the headline first, and just saw the pictures at the top of the story of these complete and utter loons, you would know that something crazy and horrific happened. Because these people look like mental health flew right past them on a learjet and never looked back.

Apparently this family, part of a religious cult, had left a 90-year old dead woman on their only toilet for two months, saying that God had told them if they prayed hard enough, she would come back to life.

Now this ... to me ... is without a doubt a good case of corpse abuse. Use my skull as a bong. But for gods sake, don't leave me on the shitter to rot, no matter WHO tells you otherwise. Because if for some reason I do come back to life, I'm going to kick your sorry, crazy ass. You can count on it.

The saddest part of this story, however, is that there were two children (ages 15 and 12) living in the house with the corpse, their crazy fucked-up mother, and someone their mother referred to as "The Bishop" or her "Superior." The place reeked of decaying flesh, despite burning incense and probably a few dozen Glade plug-ins, and the kids were hysterical when deputies ordered them out of the house. They were later put in foster care.

I also feel sorry for the landlords who have to re-rent this house. I can only hope they replace the toilet ... because there are some stains no amount of Scrubbing Bubbles can get out. Seriously. Also, if this was their only toilet, where in god's name were the LIVE people shitting?

Finally, although I'm not a religious person, I feel sorry for non-crazy religious people who have lunatics like this giving religion a bad name. At least these dumb fucks are facing criminal charges. We'll see how God answers their prayers about getting out of jail anytime soon, bishop or no bishop.

This story reminded me of another news story that happened a few months back - one that also involved a toilet and a couple of morons. The headline on that one reads: "Woman sits on boyfriend's toilet for 2 years."

Apparently a 35-year-old woman in Kansas had been sitting on her boyfriend's toilet for 2 years when he finally called the sheriff's office to say he thought "something was wrong" with her.

No shit. You think?

I've taken some long dumps in my life ... especially after drinking too much tequila the night before. But 2 years? I would hope someone would call someone - hopefully a doctor - past the 8 hour mark. Please!

But apparently the boyfriend didn't think it was that serious, despite the fact that the woman had been sitting there for so long that her ass skin had grown around the seat. EWWWW. Didn't that HURT? She initially refused emergency medical services, and it was later revealed that she had a phobia about coming out of the bathroom.

Now I don't like to jump to conclusions. But I think it would be safe to say that boyfriend had one crazy bitch on his hands. Although boyfriend himself does not seem to be bursting with sanity himself. Although I'm sure it was a little hard for him to break up with her when she refused to get off the toilet, he still brought her food and water for her two year squat. Wouldn't at a certain point you just tell her to get up and make her own fucking sandwich? Or is it just me? Talk about a classic case of enabling!

My favorite part of this story, however, is this sheriff's quote:

"She was not glued. She was not tied. She was just physically stuck by her body. It's hard to imagine ... I still have a hard time imagining it myself."

I hear you, Sheriff. That's not a thought you can easily drink away - even with liberal amounts of Johnny Walker. It just goes to show you ... just when you think you've seen it all, another loon comes along and makes you realize there are just no limits to crazy.

XXX

Have you seen a news item involving a stupid person or nut case? E-mail me a link to the story, and maybe I'll make fun of them too!

QUANTITY VS. QUALITY

I didn't want to do this. After being harassed for my lack of knowledge about the Duggar family in this post, I swore I would never blog on the subject again.

But the Duggars are just ASKING for it. They are like members of a school field trip all armed with sticks, poking at a sleeping bear, which in this case, is me. I want to just lay in the back of the cage in a fetal position and forget that they exist. But they are so fucking obnoxious I just can't ignore them any longer. I need to get up and growl at them, and possibly gouge out an eye or two - just for good measure.

Besides, a lot of my faithful readers are also poking at me, egging me on to rip this family a new asshole. I know this because many of you e-mailed me this link to a story about the Duggars that the Today Show did for Mother's Day. I don't think those of you who sent it to me did so because you wanted my heart to fill with joy at the news that this family was now expecting its 18th child. I would hope you would know me better than that, anyway.

I think you did it because you knew I would recoil in horror before the rage hit. And then when the rage hit ... well, you like it when I'm angry don't you, you bastards!?

I think the thing that pisses me off the most is that the Duggars appear on television seemingly almost EVERY Mother's Day on one show or another. A quick Google search has them on Inside Edition, Discovery Health, and MSNBC just to name a few. All their appearances seen to have the same theme - that Mrs. Duggar and her triple-wide vagina are the standard for mother's everywhere. What a bunch of crap!

Quantity does not equate to quality, people! If  you put a case of Night Train in front of me, or one bottle of really good merlot, I'll pick the merlot every time (although I may keep the Night Train in case of emergency.) Similarly, I know a LOT of extremely fertile women who can't take care of themselves, let alone a baby. The ability to give birth -even 18 times - does not mean you automatically have the skills or capacity necessary to be a good mom. I wish the opposite were true, as there would be a lot more well adjusted kids in the world. But to say that because this woman is a human baby machine, she should get special play on Mother's Day, is ludicrous. I think Mrs. Duggar would make a much better and more poignant story during "Contraceptive Awareness Week," for example or as part of series titled "How to say 'no' to your husband and mean it."

A mother that has one child is no less a mother than one with 12. In fact, I'm guessing the one with just one child still has some sort of sanity to cling to.

This is not to say that Mrs. Duggar is a shitty mom either. I wouldn't know, as I don't know the woman, and doubt I would want to get to know her either. She and I have little in common outside of both having a vagina - although mine you can't drive a tractor trailer through (although you may be able to squeeze a Mini Cooper in there, if you use some good lube.)

But I would have to venture to say that with 18 kids in the house she hardly has time to spend QUALITY time with all of them in a day. Let's just break it down, shall we? There are 24 hours in a day. Let's say, because the woman is almost constantly pregnant, that she has to have her 8 hours a day to sleep and recoup (although if you ask me, I would never get out of bed, and just lay there and sob uncontrollably, cursing my husband's penis.) That leaves 16 hours to do what she needs to do. If she's not cooking, cleaning, doing laundry, grocery shopping, or getting drunk in the bathroom (which is also what I would do) - that still leaves less than an hour per kid per day - or 53.33 minutes to be exact.

Now she could use an egg timer, and just go from kid to kid, packing the motherly love into those 53.33 minutes before moving on to the next one when the buzzer goes off. If the kid needs more time, they'll just have to wait until the next day. Because hey, you can't play favorites. But I would think the woman would also need to pee every now and then, or have a snack. God knows her husband probably wants to start working on the next kid too - so there's got to be some boink boink time factored in there as well. That means that instead of 53.33 minutes you probably have only about 30 to 40 minutes per kid.

Obviously dividing up the day between kids is not a good answer. Also, babies take more time than older children, for example. So what the Duggar's do, according to their Web site, is assign older children to be "buddies" to the younger children, therefore making them responsible for their care.

This, in my opinion, blows chunks. Your mom and dad won't use a fucking condom, thereby forcing you to take care of their offspring for them because they multiply faster than rabbits and can't take care of them all themselves? How is that fair? Shouldn't kids get an opportunity to be kids? I understand teaching responsibility - but this is a little extreme. The Duggar's also argue that it makes the kids closer. Maybe. But I can also see how it would make the kids resent each other. Maybe little Joan doesn't want to be a mom or child care provider. Maybe she wants to be an astronaut or a shoe store owner. Why can't she be allowed to pursue those interests instead of spending her time wiping the shit off of her younger sibling "buddy."

Which makes me wonder ... do the other kids get resentful when they hear that another baby is on their way, cutting down the time they get with mom and increasing the time they will have to spend changing diapers and warming up formula? I know I would be resentful. I also know that if I was Mrs. Duggar, I'd have to put nametags on the children to keep them all straight - especially since they keep giving their children names that start with the letter "J."

I know people who would argue that the Duggar's are at least providing for their children and aren't on welfare. Yah. Wow. Good for them. But are they REALLY taking care of all those kids? Can they? I'm sure they love them. I'm sure they try to do what's best. But again, it's a numbers game. You just can't give 18 kids the attention you can give 4 kids.

There's the obvious question that comes to mind with this family, too. And that is ... WHY? WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU WANT 18 KIDS? Then I read the About Us section of their web site, which talks about how the Duggars used to use the pill, but got pregnant and miscarried.

Their site goes on to say: "At that point they talked with a Christian medical doctor and read the fine print in the contraceptives package. They found that while taking the pill you can get pregnant and then miscarry. They were grieved! They were Christians! They were pro-life! They realized that their selfish actions had taken the life of their child. They prayed and asked God to forgive them, and to teach them to love children like He loves children. They asked God to bless them with as many children as He saw fit in His timing."

OMG ... this is as crazy as the lunatic extreme Christians whose children can be dying of a disease but refuse to get them medical treatment because they are waiting for God to heal them. They never once stop to think that maybe God put hospitals, doctors, and yes - even birth control - in the world so you use the brains he gave you to help yourself.

I could go on and on ... (like mentioning that being pro-life has nothing to do with taking birth control, and questioning why the Duggar's oldest son was "shocked" to hear his mother was pregnant again) but I won't. I think I've said enough ... and quite frankly, I got myself so worked up over this I need to take a nap. Please put the stick down and leave me be. I'm sure I'll wake up in time to hear that the Duggar's are about to drop No. 19 - which will probably be about 9 months from now.

YOU'VE COME A LONG WAY, BABY

My fellow-blogger and friend Marie is one brave woman. She's expecting her third child and is doing so with grace and dignity. She also recently found out the sex of the bun currently in her oven - so she can stop calling it an unbaked dinner roll and start calling it "dude" or "dudette" instead. To find out which it is, click HERE.

Grace and dignity are not the traits I would possess if *I* were expecting a child, let alone my third. Although I respect motherhood, it scares the living shit out of me. I kill plants just by looking at them. My idea of a home-cooked meal is using the microwave to heat up leftover Chinese. I feel queezy and come close to passing out whenever I think of my nipples as a feeding device. So if I were to find out I was pregnant, instead of grace and dignity there would be hysteria and panic.

So you can understand that even a pregnancy SCARE is enough to have me curled up in the fetal position just like the baby I might be carrying.

Thanks to a co-worker "friend" who absolutely loves to tease me about having babies - because I am steadfast about my reproductive organs remaining unused and my uterus remaining barren - I had one such panic attack a few years back. It wasn't that I was late, really, if you call 24 hours being late. But ask any woman, and she will tell you these 24 hours add up to a big pile of paranoia.

My "friend" added to this paranoia, teasing me every time I saw her about "how much I glowed." To take a hormonal woman and play on her innermost fears of having a baby is much like throwing gasoline on a fire. The flames of paranoia leap to epic proportions. I sat at my desk thinking about what the heck I would do with a baby, how I could possibly take care of one, and went down the list of possible people to whom I could give it to, including my "friend."

Finally, realizing I would get nothing done until I knew for sure, I resolved to go buy an early pregnancy test at lunch. That way, I would know if I should spend my afternoon rejoicing about my barrenness or sobbing uncontrollably.

But I wasn't about to buy the test at my neighborhood grocery store. I knew all the clerks there, after all. In my fragile state, I would not be able to endure that knowing look as they scanned the test and gave me a smile - or worse yet, a wink. That would surely send me over the edge.

So this formerly secure woman instead drove 10 miles to a neighboring town and to a grocery store she had never stepped foot in before. Hopefully, there would be no one I knew here. But I donned sunglasses and scrunched down in my jacket just to make sure. I slunk from aisle to aisle, throwing items I didn't need aimlessly into my shopping cart so as to camouflage the test and make it less conspicuous. When I went into the aisle that held the item I was looking for, I actually started to whistle nonchalantly as I scanned for witnesses. Then, quickly and stealthily, I knocked a box into my cart and covered it with a six pack of Ensure and a frozen package of Flan.

As I approached the check-out line, I tried to calm myself. I'm a married, responsible woman. If I buy a pregnancy test, it's no big deal, right? There's nothing to be ashamed of! Then why did I expect my mother, who lives two states away, to suddenly leap out from behind the potato chip display and call me a slut?

I could feel myself breaking out in hives as the clerk started scanning my items. I prayed there wouldn't be a price check on the test, and she wouldn't notice it among the $218 worth of groceries I was purchasing but didn't need.

I made it out unscathed and seemingly unnoticed and drove the 10 miles back home. I was shaking and unable to pee because of performance anxiety. But after several deep breaths, I was able to take the test. One line was my goal. Two lines meant my life as a selfish childless woman was coming to an end. I'd have to curb my shoe habit to pay for diapers and things called "binkies." God help me!

I'm sure my neighbors wondered why in the middle of the day I would be dancing around my yard and whooping like I had just scored the winning touchdown in the Super Bowl. But at that moment, one line was the most beautiful thing I ever saw, and I had to celebrate.

I know many women out there like Marie will make great mom's and their kids are lucky to have them. Me? I am not ashamed to say that I am happy to be an aunt, a step-mom, and a shoe whore, but that I know myself well enough not to be a mom. And that's worth celebrating, too.

SHOE WHORE SUNDAY

FLOWER POWER

Mom's day is next weekend. Instead of giving her the traditional bouquet of flowers - which die in a week - how about giving her some flowers for her feet - which will last the whole season?

Floral prints are the best way to make mom feel both feminine and flirty, and are really fun for spring and summer.

These Guess beauties definitely live up to their name "EMPOWER2."

With their beautiful but subtle lavender flower print (complete with bees), 4 1/2 inch gold stiletto heel, sexy ankle strap, and cute yet subtle bow detail, mom will feel like she owns any room she walks into.

Their neutral background make it easy to pair these with anything, from a breezy dress to favorite jeans. And she'll feel fabulous in both! And all for about $110. Use shoes.com coupon code "MAY100" for $20 off making them a more affordable $90.

For a more 60's feel, there are also these gorgeous Naughty Monkey's, appropriately called "FLOWER POWER."

The flowers are more whimsical, inspired by a tropical theme. Yet the 3 3/4 inch high heel and brushed metal rose still gives it an edge of sophistication.

Available in both this beige, and in khaki, they too can be worn with both jeans or a fun cotton dress. And at $65 they are also affordable.

Naughty Monkey has other floral styles - all with a tropical feel - you may want to check out too, and all at a pretty good price.

Finally, so as to not leave out those mom's on the go, here are some cute flowered flats called Actress Anaconda by Chinese Laundry.

These vintage-inspired  ballet flats are made of a unique snakeskin textured faux leather that gives them added interest. But a cushioning insole, flexible midsole, and flat-traction rubber outsole make them so mom's can run around and feel as fabulous as they look.

At at just under $40, you can afford to take her out for dinner too!

To all you mom's out there - Happy Mother's Day! And remember to spoil yourself! Because you deserve it :)

WHAT I LEARNED AT MANAGEMENT TRAINING

I had to take management training again today - an EXCRUCIATING experience equal only to having Edward Scissorhands give you a pap smear.

Today's topics were "How to handle performance issues" and "Giving constructive feedback." I don't think the teacher liked me from the get-go, because when she asked the class how you tell an employee they are not meeting your expectations, I told her that I tell them they suck, and that I'll fire their lazy ass if they don't improve.

Apparently that wasn't the politically correct answer. Go figure.

First, the instructor told us you need to ask them if there is a personal issue that is causing them to not be able to do their work. In other words, you have to pretend to care about them. I suck at this. I can barely stay awake when people I actually LOVE tell me about their problems. How did they expect me not to nod off when listening to people who I don't sleep with?

I'm so easily bored when things don't apply directly to me that I need someone to hold up the latest Neiman Marcus catalog to keep me focused or my attention will go elsewhere. I've been known to just wander off in the middle of a conversation because, to put it simply, I'm done. I don't need to know any more. Everything that is said at this point is just "BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH." In fact, I recommend if you want me to stick around that you throw some key words in there from time to time to capture my interest. Words like "TEQUILA" or "SEX" or "MIDGETS."

For example, frequent reader and overall awesome woman Kim once e-mailed me. Not wanting me to just skip right over her message and knowing of my low threshold for pretty much everything, she titled the e-mail "FREE SHOES." I read it right away. And even though I got a little violent when I found out it was all a ploy, I did pay attention to what she had to say. That was a smart move on Kim's part. Others could learn from her.

But now I was being told that to be an effective manager and to help people do their jobs better, I had to pretend to care about my employees and their personal lives. Shouldn't my employees be pretending to care about ME? Isn't that the normal organizational chart for sucking up? Why did I have to suck up to them? I've spent half my life working my ass off so I could finally be the boss and STOP sucking up. And now they're changing the rules? FUCK THAT!

The teacher went on to say that after we determined whether there was a personal reason keeping them from doing their job, we needed to come up with a plan for them to improve their performance, and get their buy-in for the plan. Are you kidding me? The fuck-ups have a say? When did that start? I didn't have a say when my boss told me I had to stop beating people in the back of the head when they didn't work fast enough. No one asked me about *MY* feelings when I was told to stop stapling people's privates to their desk if they were late for work.

We then had to break off into groups to come up with three "methods" of motivating employees to do better. As we did so, the instructor looked directly at me and told me that we couldn't include any verbal threats, like "I will fire your ass" on our list. Fucking kill-joy.

It didn't take long for my group to complete the task, and I was touched when I was nominated to report back on our findings, although the instructor didn't seem nearly as thrilled about it as I was. These were the top 3 methods of motivating employees we came up with (well, I was the one who really thought of them, but my group agreed):

1. MACE

2. TASER

3. PUBLIC FLOGGING

I also wanted to suggest that for really bad employees, we strip them naked and make them dance like a chicken. But some of our employees I wouldn't want to see naked under any circumstance, so I kept that one to myself.

Finally, the class ended with an update on discrimination laws. The instructor made a point of letting us know that we could not treat pregnant women any differently because of their condition, or it was considered discrimination. This is also true even if the pregnant woman can't do her duties because she is sick, or uses the excuse that she's pregnant and therefore can't do anything.

"How about calling her 'PREGGO' or 'BUDDAH' and encouraging other employees to pat her belly," I asked her. "Is that wrong?"

"Yes, that's wrong, Cookie," the instructor told me, visibly upset that I was still in the class.

I put my hand up again.

"But what if the Preggo - um - I mean pregnant person - is at work and her water breaks on your new Manolos and you bitch slap her? I mean ... bitch deserved it, right?"

I don't know why, but apparently I have to go to "sensitivity" training now. I'm also not allowed to be alone with any of my employees anymore, for fear I may hurt them. But hey ... there are no performance issues in my department. Yet I see other managers continue to "listen" and "help" and "motivate" employees who just milk the system for all its worth and don't do shit. So whose methods work best, I ask you?